Apologies and Taking Stock

I don’t do it because i want to, because i like to, or for any reason that can be explained. It happens; a complete take-over of my conscious self, a collapse of rationality and, worst, a ramping up of self-disillusionment and (latterly) guilt that threatens to tear me apart.

But i really do need to apologise to a number of individuals. A respect and understanding of anonymity in this day and age, particularly with regards this spider-filled interweb, forbids me from naming them but they know who they are. They were the ones toiling in a west-coast storm trying to feed fish whilst i was curled up in a ball on my dad’s couch, trying to make sense of a complete lack of rationality and common sense crushing my heart and chest like a vice.

Anxiety attacks and depression are no small things, and thankfully in the world that is growing around us today there is a far better understanding of it than there was even ten years ago. Something i regret, i think, because some of the choices i made back then were due to my unbalanced mental equilibrium. Would my life have been different if during my university years i hadn’t been suffering crippling antisocial, introverted behaviour?

I guess the flip side of that is that the friends i find myself surrounded by today all accepted who i was back then, and love me despite my fallacies.

And it needs to be said i have a tremendous set of friends. Whether it be childhood legends that play Magic, my cinemonkey troop, the man who would be my best man at my wedding (and his partner, of course), or my little brother (i say little), or the colleagues in the warzone that i currently inhabit. Or even the plethora of people i know but have not met yet, for example as the man i have the pleasure of calling my first editor.

I have my physical health i guess; i may be borderline overweight but its not out of control and i’m working on it. I have my intelligence, my writing talents and my natural charm (hahahahahahaha i laugh ironically).

But i am well aware i’m tripping over obstacles that its in my ability to avoid. Its just not that easy. Change never is.