The Summer Skies

I was lucky enough to recieve a preview copy of this as part of a promotion on Twitter, and with me being the Colgan fan that I am, i thought Christmas had come early.

Jenny Colgan newest heart-warmer is about flying. Her protagonist is a pilot, from a family of pilots, and, classic Colgan, is living in the big city on the brink of a huge structural shift in her life, with a perfect boyfriend and literally the world as her oyster.

However, an illness in the family requires her to return briefly to her home in the north of Scotland, where she must island-hop a rickety plane called Dolly. A disaster forces her into the hands of a gruff, grumpy birdwatcher that would prefer the company of his angry chicken – Barbara – than any other human being.  Hmm, I wonder how things will end up. Smiley face emoticon.

I don’t read Jenny’s books for the plot twists, tense, nail-biting drama and edge-of-my-seat thrills. I read them because a) they’re usually about why country life is better than city life, b) about Scotland, in some fashion or another, and c) because they are so deliciously cheesy. Predictable fluff that allows one to escape their own reality and enjoy the “fun” of the Colganverse.

Jenny has a tremendous habit of peppering her books with little references to pop culture – from Doctor Who through to the current hosts of Strictly, and “The Summer Skies” is no exception. My favourite example is a little aside about the difficulty of Wordle.

The Summer Skies strikes several chords with me. It’s about Scottish Islands – made up ones, for that matter – that I assume exist somewhere around the Orkneys, which are some of my favourite places in the world. One of the central characters is a birdwatcher, like myself. But, and this is the main point, hidden below its surface as a fuzzy summer read it touches upon mental distress, emotional damage and loss. I may not be able to identify with all these things, but when I can I do, and it hits me big. Jenny doesn’t write about perfect people – and if she does they’re usually the bad guys – and instead creates characters that are perfectly imperfect. Morag (the Grobag, as named at school) is such a relatable person – it’s her lack of sheen and Hollywoodness that makes her such a terrific heroine.

Of course theres a raft of lovely characters – and some not-so-lovely – including some excellent animal personalities. Barbara the chicken may not be the next Neil the Puffin (from Jenny’s wonderful Cornwall franchise, The Beach Street Bakery), but she’s still a good laugh. I won’t speak much of Frances – you’ll have to find out for yourself.

Of course I had no doubt over the outcome of the plot, but it’s how the plot weaves wonderfully through clichés using comedy and human dialogue that make you smile. And laugh.

Don’t be misled by the title though: we may be enjoying some of the best weather the UK has ever had, and “summer” evokes thoughts of sun, sea and sand. Most of this book takes place in a thunderstorm. Welcome to Scotland!

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.3 (2023)

Oh i was not emotionally prepared for the raccoons.

The third (and supposedly final) Guardians of the Galaxy movie arrives at a time when the state of the MCU is rather divisive. The last few movies – most, since Endgame, if i’m honest – have been sub-par. Don’t get me wrong, i did enjoy Quantumania, but it was daft as wensleydale, but Love and Thunder, Wakanda Forever, The Eternals… hmmm just not ballbreaking, are they? And this nonsence with Jonathan Majors… will we even get the Kang Dynasty?

After a dark opening with a young baby raccoon – my eyes had already started watering – and then we join the Guardians on Knowhere, a giant asteriodal skull. However, all is not well. Star Lord has tipped into drunken self-destruction, still reeling from the death of Gamorah in Endgame. (sorry if thats a spoiler but COME ON). Adam Warlock crashes in and trashes the place – sent to capture Rocket for some reason. Fortunately he is briefly defeated, but not before he critically injures our favourite anthropomorphised trash panda.

And so the plot then follows Star Lord and his band of misfits setting out to find the cure (or rather the kill-switch, but the details are unneccesary), uncovering an absolute maniac with a god-complex, (Chukwudi Iwuji, whom James Gunn has previously cast in his DC show Peacemaker) and crossing swords with Adam Warlock, who actually made me laugh out loud nearly every scene.

But lets address the elephant in the room. This film is an absolute assault to the senses. I think i cried out loud at least once every 30 minutes. I mean, i am an absolute softy – i cry at the end of Real Steel every time. I am reduced to a bawling mass at the end of Dragonheart. Even “Victor and the Doctor”, an episode of Matt Smith era Who wells me up. But i also absolutely crumble when presented with cute animals. I’m about as masculine as a jigglypuff when it comes to this nonsence. So presenting me with cages full of baby raccoons, an otter, a rabbit, a dog in a spacesuit… i was not ready for this. And did i mention Rocket is probably my second favourite Marvel character of all time – after Tom Jane’s Punisher – so having his entire existence in question throughout the whole movie… oh boy.

There is possibly too much of a jarring differential between the hard dark drama – Lyla, i’m looking at you – and the witty comedy bickering between the various characters. Groot is brilliant, Vin Diesel once again proving his acting range as a literal piece of wood (typecast?). Dave Baustista has made Drax his very own, showing some nice, accidental gravitas. Pom Klementieff is unfeasibly adorable as Mantis – and obviously, fellow Scot Karen Gillan absolutely shines as Nebula, whose scenes with Quill are as touching as could be – if it wasn’t for his obsession with Gomorah (Zoe Saldana) who is a previous timeline version of his lost love.

Hats off to the animators – there may not be anything new about the space CGI and huge, eye-watering special effects, but the animals… (i’m crying)… are sooooo good.

It isn’t as good as Guardians 2 – that had baby Groot, Micheal Rooker, Kurt Russell… but its still far and away the best MCU we’ve had since Endgame.

Whats next? We have the second series of Loki coming up, as well as Secret Invasion… whats the next movie? The Marvels…hmmm. Not sure i’m overly excited about that. There are other movies out this year which top my priority list. Indy? Ethan Hunt?? The Kwisatz Haderach???

Granite Harbour (2022)

I really really really wanted to like this cop show from the BBC. The title alone is great and I love Aberdeen, so what could go wrong?

Quite a lot, so it happens.

Davis Lindo has left the military police in Jamaica to join Scotland Yard as part of a diversity-training program. Hours after arriving in the granite city an oil magnate is Murdered and there are a plethora of possible suspects from an upset employee to his own brother. Can the police solve the murder? Will Lindo prove himself in this new life?

It’s a walking set of cliches and even that’s an understatement. The plot twists aren’t twists, the characters are all as rounded as a piece of cardboard and the acting is…um. I have seen it described as akin to a midday drama, like Doctors, or something. But its worse than that. At least the Doctors had conviction; these actors here are struggling to come to terms with whatever they’re saying. They’re reading scripts as if they’re picturing themselves on TV, emphasising the wrong words. They’re not acting, they’re saying lines. The only actor with any kind of gravitas about him was killed off – the man from Game of Thrones who looks a bit like Colin Baker. Aye, him.

The direction: egads! Many a moment passed where the camera lingers too long on a character, or doesn’t cut away when it should. I allow newbies to find their feet or what not, but prime BBC drama is renowned for its quality and this falls short.

Ach nah it’s not the worst. It’s actually quite fun to watch them struggle with a poorly written script and stumble over dialogue that feels like a translating AI has screwed up big time.

As many people have pointed out in the reviews, Aberdeen looks glorious. The drone footage of the city does it justice; in fact you spend the three episodes looking forwards to the bits when theres nobody on screen, just granite buildings, boats, shoreline and landscapes.

But I don’t want a second series, so that’s saying something. However, if we do get a second season i will watch it, so thats also saying something. Quite what its saying i don’t know – probably that i’ve got a strange sense of humour.

The Whale (2023)

My self-proclaimed adoration for Brendan Fraser led me to a great deal of pride for his Oscar win, so it is no surprise to anyone that i needed to see this film. I missed its cinematic release – my local independent wasn’t showing it – and i waited patiently for Amazon’s usual one-time reduction in rent… and sat down to enjoy.

“Enjoy” is an interesting word, however.

Charlie is an englishtutor who refuses to turn on his webcam for his students; this is because the poor man is morbidly obese. Having lost his partner to suicide, he has retreated into a family box of KFC and Dominos deliveries. His only contact to the world is his long-suffering best friend and sister to his late boyfriend. The film kicks off with the introduction of a travelling Christian preacher and the start of a change in Charlie’s life, as he tries to reconnect with his estranged daughter from his first, heterosexual relationship.

Its not an easy watch, oh no. Brendan Fraser is brilliant, obviously, strapped up in a convincing fat suit and acting his heart out. His friend, Liz, played by Hong Chau, toes the line between loving friend and frustrated friend, providing some harsh drama and mild comedy as the need arises. Standout performance is Sadie Sink, rising from her Stranger origins to star in this Oscar winner. Big future for everyone’s favourite red-head. I called it with Saoirse Ronan in City of Ember and now look at her – i’m doing the same for Sadie.

The plot itself is fairly standard, to be honest. At no point was i blown away by plot twists or dramatic turns of fate. Unfortunately even the ending is pretty predictable, and very reminiscent of another Darren Aronofsky movie (which i won’t say because its a spoiler).

I struggled, actually, to like this film. I mean, yes, the performances are all excellent and i do believe Fraser deserves his Oscar, but … well, there are moments when i hesitated over the Off button. Not because it was rubbish, or boring, but because it was disturbing. And i don’t mean disturbing like womans-head-revolving or pencil-into-ankle disturbing.

I don’t mind sharing this but there was a moment when i had to pause the film and rush to the bathroom. And physically throw up. I was uncomfortable for a good 80% of the run-time, constantly frowning and listening to my stomach churn. I keep rooting for the poor man, asking him to stop, asking him to change. Hoping that his daughter might help him through things, that the world will get better for the poor man.

Its definitely worth a watch but i don’t think i can say i ‘enjoyed’ it. I ‘enjoyed’ Top Gun, or Sonic the Hedgehog…. i didn’t enjoy Schindlers List… but its still an absolute masterpiece. Don’t get me wrong, i’m certainly not comparing The Whale to one of the best movies EVER MADE, but its a Good Movie. If anything, it makes you think.

“Yeah, maybe i’ll have a salad tonight.”

John Wick 4 (2023)

The franchise that brought about the Keanussance reaches its fourth instalment. I watched the 3rd movie (Parabellum) just the day before, by happenstance, i was able to catch this massive, epic chapter in John Wick’s quest for revenge.

Upping the stakes again, it is made out that John is out to kill the entire… bloody hell what do you call them? The consortium? No. The Union? The Mafia? The…the…the… Triad? Come on what are they called again? Oh high, the High Table. So John Wicks out to destroy the high castle / table / fidelity even though he was shot out of a window and fell three floors onto a metal roof then onto a concrete road.

But he’s fine. And Lawrence Fishburne is gearing him for war.

Enter frenchy wenchy aristo-scum Bill Saarsgard, as creepy as a french clown wearing a Steve Buscemi mask. He wants to make his mark on the Table by taking down rogue scallywag Wick. And he shuts down Winston’s hotel “The Continental” and…sit down this is a biggy… shoots Lance Reddick dead. This is the dog moment for this film, as Wick then pretty much bee-lines for the Marquis de Gramont with blood in his eyes.

Frenchyman hires Donnie Yen – a highlight of the movie – as a blind assassin – to kill Wick and that pretty much sums up the plot.

Expect the usual Wicky-wicky-wham-bang as Keanu literally throws himself into a multitude of increasingly incredulous acts of violence, gunfights and perfectly choreographed action scenes that will have you wince, flinch, laugh, gasp and slap your forehead. Not always in that order, and in increasing order of magnitude.

Going into this film- or indeed the franchise – with any sense of realism and you’ll be disappointed. This is not a film for those that say “marv would have died with a brick to the head” or, “he literally broke his back and is now back in the Cape again”. John Wick would survive a nuclear holocaust if it served the plot. I mean, if Indy can then so can he.

The performances are all brilliant. Keanu is in fine form as the battered hero, and obviously Ian McShane shines with the surprising emotional core of the movie.

There’s a dog of course, and he’s brilliant too. One of my fave moments in the film happens late on, with the dog at the centre of it, and wow. You’ll love it too!

If somebody says to you, “gosh isn’t John Wick rubbish”

“No. Not really.” (BANG)

Black Adam (2022)

The film is now famous for the all the wrong reasons – the cancellation of the DC Universe as we knew it, Henry Cavill’s glorious return as Superman days before he was shot out of the sky by James Gunn – and i didn’t get a chance to see it in the cinema… i have waited so long – too long – to get it on streaming services. Fortunately Amazon picked this weekend to reduce the rent-price, and i was knackered after a ten mile hike…so here we are.

Don’t get me wrong. Its not top-tier entertainment. Its not as good as several of the Marvel movies, but i can tell you this. Its better than Batman v Superman, Justice League, Aquaman, Wonder Woman 84… and its SIGNIFICANTLY better than the most recent run of Marvels. Love and Thunder, Wakanda Forever, i’m looking at you two in particular.

And speaking of Wakanda… welcome to Kahndaq. An ancient world where a metaphor for an ancient culture – this time Egyptians – is being ruled by a master dictator, mining for a powerful element, called Vibranium. I mean, um, Eternium. Slip of the tongue. There is a bit of backstabbery and a champion of the people stands up to the dictator. Said champion is given the power of the gods by the wizards from Shazam! (of which this film is a spin-off, technically).

The present sees the city of Kahndaq overrun by mercenaries, and their boss is seeking for the legendary crown which bestows serious devil divinity to its wearer. Young Lara Croft alike mother is also searching for the crown, in order to hide it from the bad guys. Inadvertedly she releases Teth-Adam (Dwayne, btw), the champion of the ages.

Who then sets out to murder all the bad guys. In cold blood. Because Teth-Adam is not a hero, as he says in nearly every line of dialogue.

Amanda Waller (YES! HER!) sends in the Justice Society of America (because, uh, the Justice League are conveniently unavailable) – which includes not-Micheal Shanks Hawkman, rainbow Cyclone and not-Captain Atom Adam Smash…oh. And film stealing Doctor Fate, played by my hero, role model and favourite actor on the planet Pierce Brosnan. I mean, i’m going to be honest. This film was in my wishlist for a couple of reasons – a) i’m a comic book movie fan b) i need to see the Cavill cameo c) i enjoy Dwayne Johnson’s acting and comedy but my final reason blows everything out the water. And thats d) Pierce Brosnan. He’s far and away the best thing about the film.

The whole film is pretty much average. I’d forgotten the ins and outs by about fifteen minutes after the credits and i’d worked out the major plot twist about thirty seconds into the film (Dwayne, you are VERY recognisable, even from a low angle!), but its still immense fun and has a rousing score. There’s a little Snyder-slo-mo but thats not a major complaint.

Now we come to the Henry Cavill cameo. I’d sort-of seen it on YouTube but had paid little attention, as i fully intended to see the film eventually. Boy, was i blown away. How? You may ask this, thinking, gosh, its just a man in a suit. But no. Its Superman – my all time favourite superhero, hands down… but let me give you a bit of extra info. My all time favourite superhero MOVIE of all time is also Superman. Richard Donner’s masterpiece from well before i was even born. There are two major standout things from that movie which gives it its cinematic apotheosis: Christopher Reeve, pitch perfect as both Supes and Clark Kent, and…and…John Williams’ exceptional score, which remains, to this day, my ringtone for incoming calls.

SO IMAGINE MY HEART EXPLODING WHEN HENRY CAVILL STEPS IN TO JOHN WILLIAMS SUPERMAN THEME. I’m so pathetic. But bloody hell its the best bit in the movie. It may even be my favourite bit in any modern DC film (Man of Steel onwards) – except maybe “I thought she was with you” from Batman v Superman.

So yeah, a good romp.

Next up we’re getting the Flash; will it be awful? No, i think it will be average. Except when i leap up in the air and scream when Michael Keaton enters. Because, as Christopher was my Supes, Micheal was my Bats.

Dungeons and Dragons: Honour Among Thieves (2023)

And here we are; a quest through three movies of questionable quality, all so I could construct this specific review with some established gravitas and knowledge.

Let’s begin with the plot, shall we. Fear not, fans, this has all the hallmarks of a ludicrous adventure… Fear me, however, uninitiated, because you’ll struggle to keep up.

Once an evil group of wizards controlled an evil spell that turns people into undead killing machines. The head of these wizards was arrested by a member of the Harpers. However, during the arrest said Harper becomes quite interested in the ‘wizards hoard’ of expensive items. His sticky fingers unleash the wizards vengeance and his wife pays with her life. Broken and desperate, the Harper joins up with a bunch of misfits (this is D&D!!) and they seek the tablet of reawakening, to bring his wife back from the dead.

However they are all thwarted / unknowingly betrayed at the endgame and he is imprisoned…

And now we’re in the present, and a prison break leads to a couple of heists, dragons, dungeons, hijinks, magic and comedy.

The film hits every right note on a roll. The CGI is great, with some well realised caves and lava and magic effects. The ideas are positively brimming over- the staff of here-to-there provides some creative puzzling, and there is a fair bit of warm chemistry between all the leads. The filmakers clearly rolled the dice and got a 6. Or…a 20 if they used a d20.

Chris Pine is the affable Harper-turned-thief and manages to toe the line between comedy and drama fairly well. Justice Smith is screamy whiny wizard, evoking his kid-friendly stupidity as he did in Detective Pikachu. Hugh Grant shines as cad and coward, continuing his successful ploy to shrug off his British oo-oo-er which he mastered in classics like Love, Actually and Notting Hill.

However, the absolute standout is Michelle Rodriguez, clearly loving every second. She has the emotional heart of the film and delivers it perfectly. I’ve always been a bit cagey over her – her resting bitch face suited her character Letty in the Fast/Furious movies, and i could never quite decide whether she was enjoying herself (or indeed her job) – but with this… well, she looks as if she’s having a ball. And her joy is infectious.

Its not perfect, don’t get me wrong. My tiny issues are, however, probably quite personal. For me, it didn’t have a rousing theme. The original DnD movie in 2000 had a score so brilliant i still hum it every now and then. I didn’t feel as if i could literally watch the film again immediately afterwards (unlike, say, Jurassic Park, or one of the Trek movies, or original Star Wars films) but i wouldn’t dare compare this fun romp to any of them. Its hugely entertaining.

So good, in fact… I’m going to start DnD proper. Become a tabletop gamer. Its in my 40th year resolutions!

Dungeons and Dragons: The Book of Vile Darkness (2012)

Seemingly, seven years is enough time to wait before trying AGAIN with a dungeons and dragons movie.

A budget of pennies and a cast of nobodies and CGI only worthy of your fridge door combines here to create the book of evil dead. Darkness. Evil darkness. Vile! Vile Darkness!

Basically, said book was torn up and used to create some various quest items, and some evil sorcerer (not Damodar, thank goodness) is trying to reunite the parts to make the whole. Said piece of evil incarnate was once purged from the world by a group of Templar-like knights, but since this event the bloodline of the knights has faded and is now just a bunch of rag-tag wannabe saviours trying to keep a dying flame alive. Nazgûl or whatever his name is, is coming back and his once-vanquishers are long gone…

So step in young jaded paladin knight Grayson, seemingly rejected by the mystic stone (like his father before him) who sets out to save the world.

…by joining a band of misfits. This IS DnD, remember. He finds a beautiful but deadly witch, a big man who may be a giant, and a sort of nasty bitter dark wizard who likes sarcasm. There may be other characters but I’ve forgotten about them.

They rob some people kill some people and even kill a dragon, suffer betrayal and even express feelings for each other. At least two of them do, with our entirely predictable but actually quite endearing romance.

It’s not awful, really. It’s a marked improvement over the last Dire and Disgraceful but it still falls far from doing the franchise justice. It’s massive vacuum of budget hurts it greatly.

Maybe another seven years and lightening will strike.

Nope. Try 11 years. 😂

Dungeons and Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God (2005)

I don’t know why a critical flop deserves a sequel, but here we are. Yep; despite the first Dungeons and Dragons live-action movie absolutely tanking at the box office – and amazingly is unavailable on any streaming service i could find (i had to buy the DVD – THE DVD! In a time when i only have my favourite Blu Ray box sets and steelbooks) we are still ‘treated’ to this direct sequel, featuring the villain Damodar from the first movie. Point 1: Damodar died in the first movie. He fell spectacularly to his death off the tower.

Anyway, before I start talking about how wonderful the movie isn’t, let’s have a quick synopsis. Basically the evil ex-henchman Damodar has returned from the grave by some kind of magic, and has managed to obtain the Black Orb of distinct nastiness, which contains the soul of the Night Dragon, an evil beast lost to time. He hopes to find said Dragon, and use it to take over the world of Izmir.

However, there is hope, and a rag tag bunch of misfits band together to seek out the Orb, kill Damodar and, ergo, the world. Along the way they will face an Ice Dragon, a Lych, a hoard of bandits and even vicious dungeon plants. They will encounter puzzles, traps and their own feelings for each other.

Actually that makes it sound good. Let me rephrase; a band of clichés will join together to run through boring landscape, face unfeasibly awful CGI and bad makeup, overcome traps as complex as ‘press this button to open’ and then have horrible banter with as much chemistry as planks of wood.

I cannot come to terms with how bad actors can be. I mean, all you need to do is pretend you were a child, running about fighting dragons which no one can see… Am I the only that did this?? Yet still grown adults find it impossible to react properly. Look Harry Potter had an excuse – he was a young boy who had never really had to ‘act’ before. But these people… they actually have credits. One of them starred in a James Bond movie, for goodness sake. But its painful to watch.

The soldier (who used to be a thief), the soldiers wife (a bland blonde with the likeability of a rotten tomato), an attractive barbarian with the facial expression of a heron, a thief, a mage and another mage (who is a girl, and may or may not be an elf). This is your dungeon crew? They won’t make Level 2 without cheat codes, I promise you.

In fact, some of them don’t make it. And we are expected to care about these characterless idioms, even given the chance to drill up hatred for our villain.

Oh God. Bruce Payne. Damodar is an absolute hoot. No. Actually, being described as ‘a hoot’ implies he makes me laugh – but he doesn’t. I don’t giggle in amusement, i gasp in exasperation. Stone faced Mark Dymond (soldier thief) is oscar worthy compared to Bruce Payne’s complete lack of interest in the project.

Its a real shame, again, because Dungeons and Dragons has such a wealth of material to plunder and here we have a film that is actually difficult to watch. I once heard a particular phrase used to describe the first D + D film (reviewed previously) – but it applies far more appropriately to this one: “Dung-y and Drags-on.”

The title however, is top tier. But that doesn’t excuse anything. At all.

Morbius (2022)

I don’t really know how this came about. I guess in some conversation somewhere the topic came up about the rather sub-par state of the comic book universe right now. We had so many highs in the Infinity Saga, and the Batman films are continuing strong…we have the Flash coming out later this year which will be absolutely average, and there are a couple of MCU’s that might prove cathartic. But really, theres been some controversially rubbish films of late. Quantumania was okay, marred by the truly awful Modok; Wakanda Forever was a wonderful tribute to the great Chadwick but other than Angela Barret’s tremendous performance was largely forgettable. The travesty of the DCU and poor Henry Cavill is still giving me sleepless nights.

Naturally, Morbius was cited; an absolute car crash of a movie, apparently. So rubbish it was nearly cancelled after it had already come out. Jared Leto’s worst hour and an abomination of cinema.

Surely not, I say. I mean, can it be THAT bad? The two Venom movies have hardly been classics, yet Tom Hardy is able to lift them from true mediocrity. Does Jared have the same clout?

Well. I’m known for my controversial film opinions. So I thought, I might give this a go. Whats the worst that could happen? Well, you could choke on the doctor pepper bottle and die a slow, agonising death. That’s what.

Doctor Michael Morbius has a blood condition that will eventually kill him and his best friend, played by Doctor Matt Smith. He discovers that vampire bats have potentially a dna-fragment that may fix the issues and save them from premature death. So what does he do? Of course, he injects himself with bat blood and turns into a vampire.

Sorry….what? Really? Its spider-man but with bats. And vampires…really? Is this not a little…cliche? I mean, yes, its based on a comic series from ages ago so we can’t really blame the film for this – but.. oh I don’t know. It just sounds a little unoriginal. We already have a Bat man… do we need a man-bat? (That said, if I found out Matt Reeves was going to bring Man-Bat into The Batman 3 then I’d be over the moon. Feck it, get Marc Singer to play him. There’s a ref few will get.)

Anyway. Obviously when Matt Smith finds out the serum works but turns you into Count Dracolytes he cares not, and takes it himself, thus becoming the films villain. The two clash, theres loads of silly fighting and shouting and too much talking, and then the film ends.

Now. I actually didn’t hate it. Its terrible, cliché, lacklustre and, as immortan joe might say, mediocre. But its better than Thor: Love and Thunder. Jared Leto is okay, I guess, but Matt Smith is an absolute legend. Okay so I’m biased; he was a tremendous Dr Who and equally tremendous Daemon Targaryen, and an equally tremendous Prince Phillip. In actual fact, I am happy to say he probably saved the movie from utter unwatchability.

The ending? I mean, yep, lets set things up for a potential sequel – all well and good – but Michael Keaton of all people? A team up against Spider-Man? Aren’t we getting ahead of ourselves? Don’t get me wrong, if Morbius was to turn up in a later movie alongside Vulture i’d be okay with that. But… is Morbius a villain? Surely the film we’ve just watched is trying to tell us otherwise. Why then, does he have beef with Peter Parker’s webslinging Avenger? Methinks this was not thought out: they just wanted to tag something on at the end to fit with the usual comic book film rules…

A funny story. The film tanked on release. Got that? So then following an internet sensation regarding the made-up phrase “It’s Morbing Time!” the film was released again, hoping to cash in on its new popularity. It didn’t work, and the film tanked again. Is this the first time a film has tanked twice on release? Interesting. Famous for its infamy.

Bottom line is, its not the worst use of two hours. Its just far from the best. I mean, the limescale in your shower is needing cleaned…?