Tag: 2022

Morbius (2022)

I don’t really know how this came about. I guess in some conversation somewhere the topic came up about the rather sub-par state of the comic book universe right now. We had so many highs in the Infinity Saga, and the Batman films are continuing strong…we have the Flash coming out later this year which will be absolutely average, and there are a couple of MCU’s that might prove cathartic. But really, theres been some controversially rubbish films of late. Quantumania was okay, marred by the truly awful Modok; Wakanda Forever was a wonderful tribute to the great Chadwick but other than Angela Barret’s tremendous performance was largely forgettable. The travesty of the DCU and poor Henry Cavill is still giving me sleepless nights.

Naturally, Morbius was cited; an absolute car crash of a movie, apparently. So rubbish it was nearly cancelled after it had already come out. Jared Leto’s worst hour and an abomination of cinema.

Surely not, I say. I mean, can it be THAT bad? The two Venom movies have hardly been classics, yet Tom Hardy is able to lift them from true mediocrity. Does Jared have the same clout?

Well. I’m known for my controversial film opinions. So I thought, I might give this a go. Whats the worst that could happen? Well, you could choke on the doctor pepper bottle and die a slow, agonising death. That’s what.

Doctor Michael Morbius has a blood condition that will eventually kill him and his best friend, played by Doctor Matt Smith. He discovers that vampire bats have potentially a dna-fragment that may fix the issues and save them from premature death. So what does he do? Of course, he injects himself with bat blood and turns into a vampire.

Sorry….what? Really? Its spider-man but with bats. And vampires…really? Is this not a little…cliche? I mean, yes, its based on a comic series from ages ago so we can’t really blame the film for this – but.. oh I don’t know. It just sounds a little unoriginal. We already have a Bat man… do we need a man-bat? (That said, if I found out Matt Reeves was going to bring Man-Bat into The Batman 3 then I’d be over the moon. Feck it, get Marc Singer to play him. There’s a ref few will get.)

Anyway. Obviously when Matt Smith finds out the serum works but turns you into Count Dracolytes he cares not, and takes it himself, thus becoming the films villain. The two clash, theres loads of silly fighting and shouting and too much talking, and then the film ends.

Now. I actually didn’t hate it. Its terrible, cliché, lacklustre and, as immortan joe might say, mediocre. But its better than Thor: Love and Thunder. Jared Leto is okay, I guess, but Matt Smith is an absolute legend. Okay so I’m biased; he was a tremendous Dr Who and equally tremendous Daemon Targaryen, and an equally tremendous Prince Phillip. In actual fact, I am happy to say he probably saved the movie from utter unwatchability.

The ending? I mean, yep, lets set things up for a potential sequel – all well and good – but Michael Keaton of all people? A team up against Spider-Man? Aren’t we getting ahead of ourselves? Don’t get me wrong, if Morbius was to turn up in a later movie alongside Vulture i’d be okay with that. But… is Morbius a villain? Surely the film we’ve just watched is trying to tell us otherwise. Why then, does he have beef with Peter Parker’s webslinging Avenger? Methinks this was not thought out: they just wanted to tag something on at the end to fit with the usual comic book film rules…

A funny story. The film tanked on release. Got that? So then following an internet sensation regarding the made-up phrase “It’s Morbing Time!” the film was released again, hoping to cash in on its new popularity. It didn’t work, and the film tanked again. Is this the first time a film has tanked twice on release? Interesting. Famous for its infamy.

Bottom line is, its not the worst use of two hours. Its just far from the best. I mean, the limescale in your shower is needing cleaned…?

WEDNESDAY (2022)

For me, Christina Ricci’s Wednesday Addams, featuring in the two 90s Addams Family movies, was an iconic image. Her cold white face, her deliciously morbid mannerisms and her comic sense of savagery… bliss.

Finding out that there was to be a Netflix “reimagining” of the Addams Family with focus on the character of the outcast girl, i was a little trepidatious. But then i discovered that Tim Burton is taking the reigns…and i was less anxious.

I also found out that none other than the ORIGINAL Wednesday – Christina Ricci herself – was to have a cameo. As well as the casting of Catherine Zeta Jones and Luiz Guzman as the iconic Addams parents, and a role for Gwendoline Christie, who is obviously brilliant.

Let me get to it. Although the show opens with your expected Wednesday-causing-havoc-in-her-high-school-with-piranhas-in-a-swimming-pool, the direction shifts gears, throwing poor Wednesday into Nevermore School for Outcasts. So she is surrounded by equally weird kids – from Medusa boy to siren girl, via she-wolf to … well…somebody in the school can turn into a vicious animal thing. And said hideous beast is killing kids. So we need a certain intrepid young investigator on the case. Fortunately Wednesday has a taste for the macabre.

And thus begins a wonderful little detective show, peppered with talented young actors (and talented seasoned actors), swinging along with all manner of plot twists and devilishly batshit crazy antics.

Jenna Ortega – this generations Wednesday – is simply perfect. How she manages to convey so much emotion with those eyes…its a joy to watch. The girl is brimming with potential – this is the first of a very long list of successes. I’m calling it now – she’s got the Oscars / Emmys in her future, (and i don’t mean guest hosting like her hilarious spot with Aubrey Plaza), i mean on the recieving end.

The tiny little wonderful moments that shine throughout the production will make you smile, gasp and enjoy. It didn’t escape my notice that the entrance to the hidden chamber requires one to snap their fingers twice… snap snap. Oh and Thing – prepare for some scenes being stolen by a disembodied hand. I’m not going to talk about the dance. The dance is everywhere and if you fancy the best three minutes of your day search for it on YouTube. Or even better, watch the whole show and understand why its one of the best pieces of television ever.

What Wednesday absolutely excels at is its relevance. It has successfully modernised itself – the way Wednesday dresses and the use of popular music… its a touch of genius.

Its creepy and its kooky, quite clever and quite ooky, its a piece of deft perfection, in acting and direction. Jenna is amazing, sorry for the phrasing – its Netflix’s Wednesday, doodle a doo Snap Snap.

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022)

This was / is the only Marvel MCU film i didn’t see at the cinema. Work and anxiety issues prohibited me from it. So on its release on Disney +, it was a necessity to sit down and digest it over a seafood salad. Which was lovely, btw.

The tragic loss of our hero and friend Chadwick Boseman threw the fate of this sequel into indefinition but the writers have very fondly crafted his loss into the movie. The opening, silent Marvel Studios logo pays a wonderful homage to the fallen legend. Of course, the trailers have all spoiled the reveal of the new Panther, but if you ask me, the film would have stood happily by itself without the Panther character – its far more about Wakanda, and the greif of T’challa’s mother and sister.

Its first stumbling block is its choice of antagonists. Namora is a Hermes-style flying fish person. His people are BLUE. Live UNDER THE SEA. They may well have called the film “Aquaman: Avatar Forever”. They ride around on whales (like Aquaman), they live in an underwater city (like Aquaman), and Namora himself has the acting range of a coral reef (like Aquaman).

Basically a genius child prodigy (exactly like America in Dr Strange) has invented a Vibranium-detector and it turns out that Wakanda isn’t the only place on Earth you can find it. So us nasty humans try to steal it, get caught up in a huge revenge plot by the sea people and then Wakanda has to get stuck in the middle.

Plot is silly, check. Its MCU. But then the child builds a Mighty Morphin Power suit. “Ironheart.” Jeez. Talk about a drop in quality. In fact, the CGI throughout is awful. I mean, obviously, compared to films of ten years ago its good, but this is the MCU. This is post -Avatar: Way of Water – i really would have expected more from this cartoon of terrible.

Angela Basset and Letitia Wright absolutely steal the show – and make it worth the watch. My particular highlight (there weren’t many) was the banter between Shuri and her royal bodyguard Okoye (Danai Gurira); a classic double act.

The rest of the film is startlingly forgettable. The Queen gets some excellent scenes and theres a smattering of decent lines, but other than that is a bit average. Its nice exploring the world a bit more, but, ultimately, its a just another film in the franchise, and hardly stand out. Come on Marvel, you’re better than this.

That said, it truly is a love letter in memory of Chadwick, and for that it excels.

And…what the hell with Martin Freeman?

Star Trek: Prodigy S1

After a bumpy start, this show undergoes one of the greatest redemptions of late. Let me explain its ins and outs, and the profound affect it has had on me.

The opening episodes, where we are introduced to misfit no.1 Dal R-el, (Brett Gray), an outcast trapped on a prison asteroid and who knows nothing of his past (cliche number one of many). He attempts an escape, and unwarily stumbles upon a hidden starship, the USS Protostar, a gleaming, shiny modern starfleet vessel that doesn’t quite look as silly as the Discovery. He is then joined by various other misfits; Gwyndala (Ella Purnell), whose father is the despotic tyrant running the asteroid – and whose mining plans are to find the aforementioned Protostar); Jankom Pog,(jason mantzoukas), a tellurite who has a penchant for engines; Zero, (Angus Imrie), a non-corporeal floating piece of nebula inside a hovering suit, reminding me of a Zeriod from Terrahawks; Rok-Tahk (Rylee Alazraqui), a humungous rock person who looks like The Thing from Fantastic Four; and finally an amorphous blob called, obviously, Murf, after the girl from Interstellar.

I happily admit i struggled. I’m possibly too old for the cartoonish antics and the fist-into-face morals that seem intrinsic to these modern cartoons. Its all about friendship, and working together. Now don’t get me wrong, its lovely to see the kids being sent messages like this, its very important. But for me, it wasn’t the cartoons that delivered this to me. I was brought up believing in teamwork when Red Squadron took down the Death Star. Friendship was the running banter betwix Venkman, Stanz and Spengler. Love was, well, “I Love You, ” “I Know”.

But i knew something was coming. Something i had no right to be excited about.

The Protostar has a resident hologram. The mentor for the band of merry gumblewits that had stolen it. Somebody to teach them the meaning of Starfleet and galactic harmony. And that hologram takes the form of Janeway.

You see, as much as i adored The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine, it was truly Voyager that turned me into a die-hard Trekkie. The (mis)adventures of the displaced crew and their journey home from the middle of the Delta Quadrant were my first VHS’s that i ever bought myself. The very first video i spent my pocket money on was Season 3 video 2: The Chute / The Swarm. The Chute, to this day, is likely my favourite episode of the whole show. So for me, Captain Janeway is my Captain. I am often out voted, with Stu preferring Picard and Mark preferring Sisko. I don’t conform. Before either of these two i’d even pick Archer. Hate me.

So Hologram Janeway is aboard the Protostar, and the initial salvo of episodes bring each characters story forwards and establishes them as a crew, young and ready to learn, despite their differences. Hints at a little cliche romance between Gwyn and Dal hangs in the air. Its all standard stuff, introducing the world of Star Trek to younger viewers.

But then things heat up. I was first alerted to the unexpected by the excellent “Time Amok” (which is a neat little homage to the history of Trek), which revolves around the timey wimey plot involving different areas of the ship slowing down depending on their distance from the temporal explosion. An excellent concept, an excellent episode.

The big reveal comes with the finale of Part one of the series. You see, it turns out the Protostar’s original captain was none other than CHAKOTAY (i had goosebumps, and i hadn’t even been hit with the biggie yet)… and that a certain Vice Admiral is desperate to find her first officer. Yes, you guessed it, JANEWAY. Not some lame hologram, no, the real deal, complete with silver sheen to her hair.

And its not just a cameo. The whole show then starts to revolve around her pursuit of the Protostar, and even her crew get big parts to play.

The highlight of the whole show is when Dal and Janeways minds are swapped (“Mindwalk”), allowing Kate Mulgrew to flex her comedy muscles as Dal struggles to act-Janewayish to her crew. Her jogging on the spot in the turbolift had me in tears.

At its heart, the arc of the show is devilishly clever and sinister. The kids want to get to Starfleet, but hidden inside the belly of the Protostar is a construct which will turn any starfleet vessel against itself. So they can’t talk to the people they want to join, and they can’t ask for help. (opening comms creates a link for the construct to do its menace). Great hook, and the finale is devastating to watch.

Season Two is on its way, but we are left open to wonder just whats going to happen. Theres hints that they won’t be aboard the Protostar next season…but something else. Its the hunt for Chakotay, trapped in time.

My money is on the Voyager-A.

Now with Chakotay and Janeway on board the show, who will be see next year? Picard has reunited the TNG crew…will Prodigy do the same for Voyager? Will be get to see Kim – finally promoted? Paris. B’Elanna? The possibilities have me horripilating.

Second star on the left, straight on till morning.

Oh….and that theme tune. Engage!!

Willow (2022)

No spoilers are to be found in the following review.

The original film sits fondly in the films of my childhood, although i confess i haven’t seen it for over ten years. I didn’t even watch it in preparation for this TV show. To be perfectly honest, the music and Warwick Davis (of whom i have been a lifetime fan) was enough. The original teaser with a behind-the-scenes look at the cast and crew was so heartwarming and so human…i was hooked.

The show is set 20 years after the original. The sons and daughters of Madmartigan (played originally by legend Val Kilmer) are all grown up. Elora Danan (the baby from the movie and most important person) is safely hidden away. However, things are not good in the world. And soon into the pilot the heir to the throne has been kidnapped and the end of the world is nigh.

We need Willow, greatest sorcerer the world has ever known.

The eight part epic begins. We are introduced to a rag tag bunch of wonderful characters. We have the princess Kit (Ruby Cruz), whose brother has been taken. We have Jade Claymore (Erin Kellyman), knight in training. We have Willow (Warwick Davis), of course, as awesome as ever. Ellie Bamber plays Dove, a lowly kitchen maid in love with her prince – but who has possibly the most obvious twist in recent times. Tony Revolori has the haughty and innocence of the neighbouring Lands prince, but who keeps secret a dark past. Then finally, and perhaps the single best character in the show, we have Thraxus Boorman, played expertly by Amar Chadha-Patel for the comedy kicks. One liners and humourous asides are his babies.

The team encounter a wide variety of fantastic beasts, ridiculous scenarios and dramatic situations. Its kind of like a game of Dungeons and Dragons, a classic case of questing and adventuring.

I have heard complaints that this lack of originality for structure is a negative – it most certainly is not. There is no underlying dark arc which is difficult to follow – each episodes end with some kind of exciting plot twist and the whole thing flows like a good book. The scenarios are all born of a wonderful imagination.

What really sells the show is the love put into it, by everyone. The actors are all clearly having an absolute ball, throwing everything they have into the daftness of it all. Each character has a magnificent arc of development, except probably Boorman, who remains as hilarious and charming as he ever is.

Amazingly, a great deal of practical effects and make-up is employed. CGI takes care of the impossible, like the great barrier or the Shattered Sea, but each OTT villain is a person in a suit. Mostly. “The Gales,” in a particular, are a terrifying bunch of henchmen.

A tremendous addition to the roster of Disney+ and quite the distraction from the ‘serious fantasy’ of the likes of House of the Dragon and Rings of Power.

Recommended.

Oh, i cannot describe how excited i was when Christian Slater turned up. Or Julian Glover, for that matter.

Change, My Dear. Not a moment too soon.

This entry has been a long time coming. I’ve been brewing it like an animal-themed ale, perfecting my idiosyncrasies so that i’m channeling my own eccentricity into the narrative… you see, 2022 has been a milestone in my life. An event unforeseen in my future – i could never have been able to predict this.

The only background relevant is my declining health. Ever since somewhere in the 2010s my body malfunctioned. By some bizzare mutation of anatomy my thyroid gland started to get lazy. It produces the hormone thyroxin, which in turn is required to run a huge set of operations in the body.

So over the course of several years i became hugely overweight, constantly fatigued, weak and massively depressed. And i couldn’t fix it; try as i might, walking after work, swimming, any form of exercise – i just didn’t have the energy to do it. Even at work – a fairly energetic affair, i was unable to perform some of the basic tasks. I was a walking time-bomb, tripping, falling, unable to lift things…my mental health was spiralling.

I’ve spoken before of my mental illness and i’m a big advocate of sharing and talking about it; its possible to fight it. You’ll never truly best it, but it can be rendered tolerable.

I applied for a small job on Scotlands east coast, but was advised against the transfer due to my lack of stability and general overweightness. As a result, my occupational health nurse expressed concerns over my general neural health and i was referred to a glasgow-based brain woman.

It was a non-event. Nurses didn’t confer and there was no appointment. So it was rescheduled. And then THAT appointment was cancelled as the Doc had COVID. Then the NEXT appointment was cancelled because the doctors assistant had COVID. So the next idea was to get me an appointment with my local GP. Why this couldn’t have been an option all those months ago i don’t know.

So this is six months after the initial concern, by the way.

The Doc was very amiable, and asked about family history, current job and exercise, mental health and the such. But she right away said she had a theory, and wanted to do blood tests. So i did.

I then went to Harrogate to visit two of my bestest friends for a board game and booze weekend. On the way back, trapped in gridlock in the Lake District, i receive a phonecall. I have hypothyroidism.

Two days later i’m on thyroxin capsules, two a day for the time being.

Three months later i’m 18kg lighter, brimming with confidence and able to speak without slurring like i’ve had a stroke. I am, as mentioned now by just about everyone, a completely different person. A better person. The actual me.

So with all my heart my thanks do to the manager at Kinnaird and my wonderful doctor. Things have changed, and the future is brighter than ever.

There. The first and likely only time i’ll be in a good mood whilst blogging. SAVOUR IT.

Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)

The first Avatar came out in 2009 and made box office history with a global taking of $2.9 BILLION DOLLARS. Utterly insane. With that, obviously we’d get a sequel. But, contrary to Hollywood’s usual trope of shoving out a follow up with nary a care for quality, James Cameron’s highly anticipated sequel has been 13 years in the making. Not doing things by halves, though, Cameron is releasing another (rumoured) THREE of these CGI extravanganzas, bringing the total to five. Its hardly a rival to the likes of The Fast and Furious franchise or James Bond, but its certainly more than we expected.

Avatar (2009) is a hippie high budget metaphor for the value of nature and Humanity’s mindless aim to eradicate our world’s rainforests in the search for rare wealth. It could have been dismissed as a load of nonsence with an awful script and in-your-face environmentalism – but somehow the world was captivated. Perhaps it was the spectacle; the ground breaking realism of the computer generated moon of Pandora was mindblowing. Enough to dwarf the wooden performance from its lead, Sam Worthington.

Avatar 2 exceeds my expectations. Read on.

We are treated to a wonderful introductory sequence that covers what has happened since the events of the first movie. This feels right, seeing as we have waited 13 years for the film, it fits that the events are set a similar number of years later. In the intervening years Sully (sam) and Neytiri (Zoe Saldana) have given birth to three kids (two boys and a wee girl) and have adopted a female girl who is the child of Sigourney Weaver from the first film. Interestingly, Sigourney also voices the teenage child. And her parentage is…well, i’ll leave that to your theories. Oh, and theres a young boy on the base “Spider” whose father is stupidly obvious but who is brought up Na’vi-friendly.

The film then delivers a nasty gut-punch. The humans return to Pandora and on landing, devastate the World Tree and half the rainforest. fast forward a year…

the Na’vi are raiders, let militaristically by Sully to upset the human supply lines.

The villain of the piece is Quaritch (Stephen Lang) – but he was killed in the first film!! Yes – this time we have a Na’vi “recombinant”, a clone bred from Quaritch’s DNA and embedded with the memories before he died. A terrific sci-fi idea and one that is not wasted.

Quaritch retains his death-grudge with Sully, and vows to kill him. So Sully and his cliched family up sticks and head to the oceans of Pandora, seeking asylum with the turquoise water Na’vi.

And there we have. The next two hours are a mix of family drama, children fighting and bullying, outcast cliches and beautiful underwater imagery. Oh. And did i mention a massively upsetting moment when a f*cking hovercraft butchers a huge Pandoran whale in order to drain its brain fluid. I was close to tears. Its a powerful message about the evil of the whaling industry.

Its by no means perfect. The script is dire; cliched, textbook dialogue. The plot is cookie-cutter and almost identical to the first film: characters arrive in new place, become friendly with the intitially unhappy locals, then get attacked by a battalion of humans searching for some rare material (this time age-stopping whale brains).

BUT.

Its shockingly beautiful. The underwater scenes, the pandoran creatures, the rousing music, the explosions…amazing. Cameron knows he has a very very high standard of special effect on show here – so he sets whole action scenes in rain, underwater and gleaming with lightshows from sunrise to sunset, and even through the night.

And the best thing… i forgot the Na’vi were fake. They are astoundingly realistic. From the minutest of facial ticks, ear twitches and nose-scrunching to their ridiculous height and alien movement. Its only when you see them next to humans you go, “oh shit they’re not real!”

The occasional moment of humour shines too. Sam Worthington proves that despite a face as beige as a vauxhall corsa, his alterego Na’vi is oscar worthy.

A tremendous achievement in cinema. Don’t wait till DVD or stream. See it now on the big screen. The biggest you can find.

Peacemaker (2022)

This spin off from The Suicide Squad (2021) was very faint on my radar. Why, though? I mean, i’m a massive comic book fan and i like to keep up to date with all the comings and goings of both the MCU and (in this case) the DCEU. I’ve seen everything so far except Morbius, Wakanda Forever and Black Adam. I hated / disliked Suicide Squad and i was entertained, if not blown away by The Suicide Squad, its too-similarly titled sequel / reboot.

So why was i not immediately enamoured by Peacemaker? Well, i confess, its because of the Peacemaker himself. I’m not a fan of John Cena – i find his personality arrogant and ham-fisted. And his performance in The Suicide Squad hardly suggests a decent TV show.

BUT. For some reason, i was in the mood to try it out the other day. My schedule was a void and i fancied some comic action. So i watched the pilot.

I cannot define exactly what it was that had me hooked. But i will attempt to explain. Firstly, the inevitable synopsis. No spoilers.

The Peacemaker is released from prison to serve with a group of ragtag Argus black operatives in “Project Butterfly”. He is told nothing to begin with – to them he is a hired bit of muscle capable of killing who he is told to. His team-mates are suitably diverse questors – the hardass girl with no heart / the beardy weirdy tech guy / the cold sinister boss man and the new girl. Together they must undertake this mission despite their grievances and their dislike for one another – and save the world.

BUT. Throw into this the hardass girl has indeed a thawing heart, the bearded dude has feelings, the boss has his own demons and the new girl is Amanda Wallers daughter – the BIG BOSS of the lot. OH and Peacemaker – the biggest douchebag of all time and all round shithead, is in fact tormented by his racist white father, is having a morale-complex and whose best friend is frikking eagle called Eagly.

The plot mergansers more than the Mississippi and is the twists are shyamalanic. You will literally feel your jaw drop at the end of (nearly) every episode.

What i’m going to highlight though is the direction of James Gunn. His use of music and slo-mo is bordering genius. Its second to none. I’ve not seen this level of pitch-perfect cinematography and pop / rock music topography since…i don’t know…a long time. Kick Ass, maybe.

Jennifer Holland is amazing as Emila Harcourt (the hardass girl with no heart), and certainly one of the reasons i think i stayed with the series. Danielle Brooks is fantastic as the new girl, displaying so much range and truly providing the emotional core of the show.

BUT here it comes. The apology. John Cena, i am sooooo sorry for judging you. You have created here a character so complex that its like a fucked-up rubix cube. On the surface he’s a muscly, handsome douchebag with enough one liners to rival Bruce Willis on a good day (to die hard), but below he is a warm-hearted goon whose character arc rivals that of Daenarys Targaryen. An absolute d**khead that is infinitely likeable, and more importantly forgivable. I mean. His dad was a terminator and a racist. His childhood was f**ked.

There is comedy without pastiche here. There is humour both slapstick and verbal. Its brilliant.

Stealer of the show though? That frikking Eagle. Simply the best!!

(and we have season 2 to follow – F*ck yeah!)

Dr Who – The Power of the Doctor

Okay. Its finally here. How many years have we been hyped now that this day would come. The definitive ‘end of an era’; when Jodie Whittaker hangs up her awesome long jacket, her iconic and subtly LBTGQ+T-shirt and her sonic screwdriving answer to everything macguffin, and when Chris “Chibbers” Chibnall hands back the reins of Dr Who to previous showrunner Russel T Davies.

But lets address the episode itself before we tackle the bigger picture. Needless to say this review contains spoilers, but unless you’ve been buried in a hole the last two months i reckon you’ve already heard about the game-changing cliffhanger, which i will also address later.

We begin the episode needlessly on a fancy space train, which highlighted for me something sinister. The plots of Nu-Who feel so lacklustre that in order to maintain its viewers attention it has had to develop two rather shitty attributes; one, the use of special effects to create ridiculous scenarios for the Doc and crew to battle through – this train sequence, the bit at the beginning of “Legend of the Sea Devils”, the swordfight in the same episode. Huge ‘action scenes’ that are there simply to impress the generation now watching dr who. Now don’t get me wrong, i love action. The motorbike chase in the 96 tv movie, the kawasaki chase in Day of the Daleks, the various Christopher Ecclestone and David Tennat run-montages, with awesome thundering music. But in Jodies reign the action scenes seemed excessive. Spectacle over story.

The second shitty attribute? Prepare to unview me folks because i present a controversial opinion: Thasmin was terrible. The need to put in a woke lesbian attraction between the Doc and Yas seemed so forced and leftfield. I don’t know whether to blame the actors or poor writing, but there was no obvious chemistry unless the plot required it specifically. But this is what the ‘fans’ want, apparently. They want a decent science fiction story sidelined by some whiny companions saying they’ve fallen in love with the Doctor and are devastated she doesn’t feel the same. I’ve lost count with the number of unrequited loves i’ve encountered, yet its the end of the world and ‘doesn’t make any sense’ that the Doc doesn’t fancy Yas.

So. The Cyber-Masters (cyberised time lords) kidnap a young girl of unknown origin who turns out to be an ancient space-borne time-eating alien from the Old Times, but was only a girl because…er, no that wasn’t suitably explained. Basically so that the entire viewership thought we were going to get some resolution of the crap Timeless Child plotline. Which we didn’t, by the by.

The plot itself from now on wasn’t complicated, but it lacked…coherence. I have an infinitum of questions that can all be answered by saying ‘it would look cool’, or ‘because thats what we all want to see’. I agree and disagree. Ace parachuting off the UNIT building INTO the TARDIS was awesome, but the whole time i was wondering why Tegan thought her best option was to run back into the Lions Den and take the stairs, which were literally crawling with Cybermen.

The Master’s Boney M scene arose as a highlight, effectively displaying the batshit craziness of the Master, but harking back effectively to a similar scene in “The Sound of Drums” so many years earlier. The Cyberman looking at the Dalek amidst the madness is one of the few pieces of humour that hit the mark.

My highlights, however, are pretty obvious. If i gave you three guesses you get it in one. Correct; the other Doctors. Seeing Peter, Colin and Sylvester on screen as their relevant Doctors was an absolute dream. Particularly their scenes with their appropriate companions, resolving an unspoken grudge between Tegan and the Fifth, and Ace and the Seventh. The highlight of these highlights of course, was the wonderful and surprising appearance of Paul McGann, now his third on-screen appearance as the 8th Doctor. Why oh why can’t we get a series – even just a couple of specials – with him as the Doctor?

My WTF moment, and not in a good way, was when the Doctor was forced to regenerate…into the Master?? But not really. I’m sure there was some ridiculous explanation of why Jodie became the Master, but the Master’s body remained lifeless. Where did our Doctor go? I guess somebody will try and tell me that she regenerated into her next persona, but the Master somehow interjected with his own mind and became that next persona, but why then did he keep his face? the silliness wouldn’t bother me so much if they’d explained it, even with glorious technobabble. But they didn’t. Lazy.

So the rest of the episode that has gone unmentioned above did so because it was boring, confusing narratively, and badly edited.

The end then. With the Doc finally ditching Yas and – emotionally – asking to regenerate by herself – she stands on the end of a famous landmark, utters some one liner about tagging the next actor…and then regenerates.

Into David Tennant. Microphone drop. What?

Maybe redemption is to come with the 60th Anniversary.

OH. I should comment on the title. The Power of the Doctor. The power is that this character has existed since 1963, and had since affected countless lives, formed an entire culture, and has become an icon of British TV. I may have outright hated some episodes, but i’ve seen every one. The power of doctor who has had an indefinable influence on my entire life. I can’t ignore that.

Spring Forward, Fall Back.

It’s a wonderful idea. Waking up at 6am and realising that the time is actually 5am, and you have another 1 and a half hours of glorious oblivion before you have to wrench yourself out of bed and hit the rat race / monkey circus / wombat motorway that is your life.

For most lucky people a Sunday morning is the Lord’s Day of Rest; when cabbaging on your couch is wholly acceptable; when watching the entirety of Lord of the Rings or bingeing a whole TV show is something you actively enjoy without a lingering feeling of guilt, thinking you should be tidying your pigsty, filling out your diary or, at the very least, NOT PLAYING ASSASSINS CREED VALHALLA ALL DAY.

Not for me, at least not this year. No, as fate has it, this year i’m working. I’m emphatically not in Glasgow playing board games, not in Harrogate drinking beers from all round the world, not in Edinburgh hate-watching Dr Who or talking about Henry Cavill’s return as Superman in Man of Steel 2 (please please call it Man of Tomorrow, that would make so much sense.) I’m even not in Aberdeen, filming another weird episode of The Pandora Men or indeed one of ChaosBox’s new standalone creature-folklore-features.

Or indeed, not sitting at home writing the script for an entirely new project that i can’t talk about or writing the Sixth Doctor’s story for a potential anthology, or more importantly, churning out the vociferous / venomous review of “The Power of the Doctor” in my particular idiom. You’ve that to look forwards to, dear readers. :p

NO. instead i’m at work. Driving a forklift about and loading boats, dodging bullets and generally griping about how i want my life to handbrake swerve sometime soon. And i didn’t notice the change from BST into GMT. I woke at 6, thought, ah nice, another hour in bed, because its actually only 5. no. My home is linked to the sodding internet so everything has updated itself automatically. Meaning it IS six o’clock and time to get up. Feck off Autumn. Go fall off the edge of the world.

There is a great deal i haven’t reported on yet. My recent trips to the Doctors have me diagnosed with more things than i can count on one hand, which is both scary and amazing at the same time. Scary, because there is the mildest of hints something quite sinisterly sincere is at the bottom of all the other problems, and Amazing because right now my primary maladies have explanations. I’m a fat pie, i move at sloth speed and my hairs falling out.

…but not because my diet is shite, I’m lazy and getting old. No, no, no. Its because i have hypothyroidism…