Jurassic World: Dominion (2022)

The ‘final’ instalment of the sequel trilogy hits cinemas and… well, i read a review entitled ‘why the new Jurassic World is a dumpster fire”. Wow.

I wouldn’t class it as a dumpster fire. It has pyrotechnic elements, certainly – but its better than its predecessor by a long shot.

So the plot follows on from that dumpster fire that went before; little clone girl releases dinosaurs into the world and now the giant reptiles that used to inhabit the Earth pre-massive-planet-killing-meteor and most child’s imagination are melding with our own lives. Huge prehistoric whales are devouring sharks, Velociraptors are running untempered through what looks like Canada… its a nightmare.

Except its not, apparently. Its all being normalised, really. Which is, lets be honest, what would probably happen.

But this isn’t the plot of a film, its the backdrop. We need a decent, boiling plot to hook our interests and keep us awake and invested. And that, boys and girls, is not what we get.

The last remaining character from the franchise whom we haven’t seen – Dodson ; yup the five minute appearance from the beginning of JP who is working for Ingen and wants Nedry to steal dino-DNA, is back, and is a seemingly outright psychopath who cares for no one except himself. 2-dimensional villain of a comic book.

JW: Dominatryx’s problem is that it presents too massive a scope and then retreats into clasutrophobic environments with characters we care little about. I still don’t know what Chris Pratt’s character name is, nor do i care. Owen…Teale? Owen…king? Larry Owen? The original JP was a bright, scary action film whose scenes leapt from MASSIVE to small scale kitchen claustrophobia because there were a limited number of dinosaurs about, and it felt connected. Intense. Edge of your seat.

Its a film of three halves. Unfortunately the first half is a boring slump through world-building and then some annoying setup regarding Dr BD Wong and his grasshoppers and some stupid financial / legal / TV movie idea about selling products to fix a problem the corporation set up. Ummm… aren’t there meant to be…ah, dinosaurs…in this dinosaur movie?

The second and third halves are unfotunately mashed together, and without further editing cannot be watched seperately in the cinema. So we have to sit through every dull and contrived scene with Captain Clean and the Little Clone Girl before we get the genuinely film stealing awesomeness of Sam Neil, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum, back being the characters they were AND being developments there of. Trust seasoned character actors to return, and immediately become the best things in the movie.

The VERY cleverly judged moment with Ian Malcolm and that fire torch – oh my heart was thumping louder than T-Rex footsteps.

Its not rubbish and it needs to be seen, even if only for the aforementioned trio and the various awesome looking dinosaurs.

Line; “No, the phones aren’t working because everything is on fire.” CLASSIC.

As Ian Malcolm himself might put it, here is an explanation of the JP franchise in a way a mathematician might see it.

Jurassic Park – one T-Rex = film is brilliant.

Lost World – 2x T-Rex = film is brilliant.

Jurassic Park III – Spinosaurus is bigger than T-Rex, film is bad.

Jurassic World – Abdominous Rex is bigger than T-Rex – film is bad.

Fallen Kingdom – Indoraptor is bigger than T-Rex – film is bad.

Dominion – Giganoughtasaurus is bigger than T-Rex – film is bad.

The moral of the story is simple. Steven Spielberg should ALWAYS direct jurassic park movies.

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