First: don’t worry everyone, that cool cliffhanger that saw the Doctor BECOMING A FRAKKIN’ WEEPING ANGEL OH WOW is resolved instantly. Turns out she was just being transported by ‘the Division’, and for some reason needed to be made of stone to do this. Can’t wait to see what the Angels do next! Nothing? What? They just serve as background things for the Doctor to talk to for a few minutes? What do you mean they don’t play any further part? ooooo this isn’t off to a good start.
If ‘the Timeless Children’ made me hulk-angry two years ago then its safe to say i’ve moved beyond that now. I didn’t get angry, i got ill. Physically sick. Gob-smacked with incredulity at the lack of pace, structure, narrative, excitement or even compassion that was on show here. A true disappointment like nothing before, i think. Its not that it was just bad Doctor Who – i mean, there was no good Who here at all; but not good science fiction either (i mean, wow, a multiverse?? Thats sooooo original, i mean, its not like its massively in the media now with both the MCU and the DCU evolving their own current iterations of this), but its not even good television.
TV shows rely upon us to care about the characters and their exploits. But the Doctor just spends her time arguing with an info-dump character who claims to be her adoptive mother, and who works for a MASSIVE, bigger than everything else company called the Division, which seems to be, um, just her, with a big f-off TARDIS console in a space dock between universes. Yaz and Dan are relegated to a uber-cheesy Indiana Jones sequence of events set in various places, where they meet a comedic shaman (what?), find a cup with magic lettering (what?), paint something onto the Great Wall of China (what?) just so they can tell a dogman in the future when they are – but he doesn’t have time travel so whats he supposed to do? Oh and we ALSO have this little girl looking for her husband, and we have her husband, who is tracking her through space. AND we have the bad guy from the boyfriend’s planet further interfering with the creation of UNIT (a beloved facet of Dr Who’s canon being reconstructed in front of our eyes) just so he can introduce another villain, the Grand Serpent, before ending the episode in a cliffhanger involving the Sontarans (which i’d forgotten about). And despite all these strings, i couldn’t give two figs about any of it. I was more concerned about the passage of time in the real world and how many times i could yawn before i developed lockjaw.
Yes; the idea of the Division using the Flux to destroy the universe (and consequently the Doctor) is a good, epic idea worthy of Davros, the Master or other huge villain, but it doesn’t feel like the threat its made out to be.
And Tecteun. OH MY GOD i hate this character. The episode tries and fails to Empire Strikes Back us by having the reveal of maternity but also has the gall to try the ‘rule the galaxy as father and son’ mechanism. I genuinely laughed out loud when she complained that the Doctor didn’t even recognise her when she’s already established the Doc has had her memories wiped. If she doesn’t remember whole lifetimes of removed adventures she’s hardly likely to recognise a pair of eyes. The only redeeming bit in this whole shitfest of a story is that RazorFace just sort of turns up and kills her. Done. End of.
But where are we going with this, really? I mean, what is the exciting endgame going to be? The Sontarans are invading the Earth! Oh no! But…the Flux is going to destroy the Earth anyway. And what are the two stoneFace’s trying to do? They are gaining power to … do what?
And for pity’s sake. UNIT? Yeah throw in a cameo by Nicolas Courtenay, that was nice, but cameo’s can’t save drowning ships.
Too many plot threads (most of which still unresolved). Too many questions. Too many characters, too many villains, too much rubbish. A train crash involving a hundred carraiges.
I say to this entire show, get tae Flux. Because i’m fed up beyond fed up.
the FANGG of HORROR ROCK 